Healing the Bride

 A few months ago, in a morning chat with Jesus, I saw Him as a doctor and asked, "What are you doing?" "Healing leprosy." came the reply. It seemed odd to be healing in 2022, so I headed to Google to learn more about it. It can take anywhere from 5 to 20 years to show the infection, which, as well as causing sores which don't heal, also causes nerve damage. Because the nerves don't function properly, there's a loss of sensation, meaning areas of the body don't feel pain. Sounds good, but pain is what leads us to take care or seek help. If your skin feels too hot, you move from the heat source. With throbbing in your finger, you can check for a splinter. Without these tell-tale signs, which send signals backwards and forwards through the nervous system, infection sets in, leading to more damage. As I finished reading, I could hear Jesus say, "My body has leprosy, and I'm coming to heal it."

Instantly I felt both Jesus's compassion and conviction. While this was a word for the body of Christ, as a living stone of the church, that meant before sharing the word, Jesus would expect me to ask, "Where's leprosy in me? What do you want to heal in me? Where am I not feeling and not healing?" Writing a blog about the subsequent journey is way out of my comfort zone as I'm naturally quite reserved. Still, sharing will help make more sense of what Jesus is doing now.

Over my lifetime, I've mastered the art of being stoic. I've made it part of my identity and character to try and protect those I love by carrying my burdens, and often, theirs too! "No need to share this with anyone. I can manage by myself and save them the hurt." It's a difficult habit to break. At 30 years old, I was probably struggling with post-natal depression. Having had nine months of bed rest during pregnancy due to three previous miscarriages, I'd shut down emotionally. While I looked fine, I was utterly lost, with no idea how to return to myself. It was at this time I met Jesus - a story for another time. But as I received His spirit, the connection with God was real and palpable, bringing me back to myself. Shortly after, I received the gift of tongues. For three days, I prayed in this strange, unfamiliar language that I couldn't understand almost non-stop. I wept from the depths of my being, something I hadn't ever done before, and it felt safe and good. 

And something happened deep inside. I felt whole. Healed. This connection wasn't just between myself and God but also between my soul and spirit, and they could communicate once again. This continued with more and ongoing healing in times of worship. I found that worship helped me express, without words, my emotions and give them up as a "gift" to God. When I was rejected by people I loved, I worshipped God as a "chosen" child, keeping my heart soft. Worshipping God as Healer when my dad passed away and my children were unwell, or as Protector when I felt anything but safe, was painful. But there was healing, power and strength in that pain. It's not about living in denial and pretending everything is hunky-dory. It's what we see David do so often in the Psalms. "soul, why are you so downcast?". "You make me brave" was released at a time when I was fearful for the safety of my family. With my legs trembling in fear daily, I felt the opposite of "brave". But by praying, singing and declaring this song, reminding myself that I wasn't in this alone, I gained the courage to speak out when God asked. 

Nearly 20 years on, it's been a little alarming to hear that now Jesus wants to heal more "leprosy" within me. I thought that was done, but He has been showing me that while there is a unity between my spirit, soul and body, my thoughts and mind haven't caught up! There's historic trauma tucked away, unspoken and hurting. I want Jesus to heal me the same as last time, with a simple touch. But He has said it will take my participation - allowing Him to remove the armour I've intricately wrapped around myself. Like packing up boxes to move house, Jesus is laying out my disappointments, hopes, dreams, regrets and memories for me to decide if they're for keeping, getting rid of or recycling. 

 There's a fair bit of pride in how I've perceived my ability to cope with some pretty horrid seasons. "I didn't crumble, didn't lay down and die. I survived!" Being independent and self-sufficient is much easier than hoping someone else will help. It's also too easy to step in when something needs doing. "I'll get it done without any fuss!" but this doesn't allow others to do things in their way and timing. It's been one of my coping mechanisms, as control very often is for people living with fear and anxiety. 

The other side of the pride coin is downplaying events - can't complain, there are people worse off, things aren't that bad, etc. And this is the primary source of "leprosy", which has kept me from feeling what needs to be felt. I've been too eager to sidestep long-term issues. "Least said, soonest mended" may be something many of you have been taught and believed, but this isn't always true. If we're repeatedly retelling the same story of hurt, we may need to bring it and leave it with the Lord as an offering. Or dig a little deeper to find if there's a source to our pain that needs dealing with. But others, me included, need to be able and willing to speak out about the life experiences that have shaped us. The good, the bad and the ugly - they are all precious! Our experiences carry a testimony of victory. Without God's care, love, grace and mercy, I wouldn't be OK. But how can I pass on the testimony if I don't acknowledge the pain? Remembering the pain of rejection and loneliness reminds me of how close God's presence was in those moments. When fear wanted to overwhelm me, the Prince of Peace came. When my anger rose, I was met by the God of mercy and vindication. When I reduce my stories to facts or brush them aside as "not very important", there is no glory for God. Healed wounds leave scars. Each scar carries a story of hope despite injustice/grief/pain. I no longer want to hide my scars in shame or tolerance, thinking of them as experiences I've survived. Each scar we bear contains the cross's victory and the resurrection's power. It enables others to endure and lends stamina with hope to face the challenges ahead. 

I've come to understand that Father God is not angry that we numb or distract ourselves from pain by using alcohol, drugs, shopping, social media scrolling, self-harm, intellectualism, work, sex, or busyness. But God, in His great compassion, is jealous for us to turn to Him and Him alone, not settle for things that will never satisfy. He wants to be our one and only comforter. 

We are created to feel - to have emotions; joy, peace, laughter, anger, disgust, grief, disappointment, and sadness. We are to experience our feelings and not subdue or fear them. They are an integral part of being made in God's image. 

We are commanded to love God with all our heart, all our soul and all our mind and all our strength. The fullness of this verse is for me to love God with all my emotions and desires, all my breath, will, enthusiasm and energy, with all my thoughts, ideas, imagination and all my ability and strength - That much of me agreeing on the same thing is surely what wholeness looks like.

So will you be brave and ask Jesus to come and heal any leprosy you may also be carrying? 

- Ask the Holy Spirit to show you where in your emotions, body, thoughts and spirit you need to feel or need healing. 

- Are there things you have overcome in life that Jesus wants to bring healing to the memory? 

- Are there emotional scabs you keep picking or poking at? People you need to forgive or situations you need to let go of? 

Will you allow Him to heal all that needs to be healed, exchanging the wounds for a victorious testimony? 

Spend time with Jesus. Find safe people to share your story with. Seek the help you need from your pastor or professional counsellor, get prayer or deliverance ministry and allow the body of Christ to help.

2 Corinthians 4:7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.